You hurt me, unexpectedly, then all at once. Betrayal, disappoint, and liar all paint the perfect picture of your face in my head today. Why? I don’t understand, but maybe I’m not meant to and maybe you’re temporary. I hope not. I hate that I’d run in front of a train for you, but you’d merely watch it wreck me. The other day I thanked you for giving me some sense of a safe haven, turns out it wasn’t a safe haven at all, yet the opposite. Whatever my feelings or my thoughts are at the moment, I still continue to pray for you. & still continue to love your pretty soul, even if you don’t currently love mine…
I appreciate you, I appreciate you so much. I appreciate you seeing me unveil my true form, flaws and all. I appreciate you not questioning my breathing or my hands shaking. I appreciate your presence and your poetic words. I appreciate you for making me feel a sense of safety. And most of all I appreciate you never changing the way you view me. Thank you.
-@H…
Sitting there I feel you creeping up on me, just like old times. Slowly then all at once so fast, so fast I can’t even grasp my own breath. My head shoots straight into panic mode, where do I hide? Who do I tell? How do I make you stop? The jitters wont stop and soon the tears don’t either. Why are you back? I didn’t give you permission to haunt me again like this. This time will be different, it has to be. You won’t ruin this for me, you won’t take my breath, you won’t take my thoughts. I won’t let you. So I hop in the shower and you slow down, the jitters slow but I can still feel them and I can still feel you in my head. But soon, I will destroy you.
Anxiety.
They say autumn is the most poetic time of year, and I stand by it. The air, the trees ,the mood, it’s all so poetic every year. Except this year. There’s something different in the air, dark, unclear and muddy. Or maybe thats just my thoughts these days. Why can’t I see the leaves changing, why do they all look so black lately? Black is fine, for now. I imagine their color will slowly come back, I hope. But for now, black is fine. & for now I am fine.
So my life’s changed dramatically in the last 4 months and the amount of changes and amount of, I wouldn’t necessarily say “bad” but crappy things that have happened are pretty funny. I know I’m not the only one who thinks my struggles are funny. So I thought why not put some of this on the internet, in hopes someone will actually read this and I’m not actually just sitting here typing on and on to myself. So if you’ve made it this far might as well stay and keep reading. Might be worth it, might not be.
May 2015- Last month of high school! Exciting maybe? Ehh. Only part exciting about it was the fact that I was moving back to my home, California. So skipping to the part after graduation. Turns out I’m moving 5 days after my graduation. Forgot to mention; I’m moving back to California without my family. Just me by my lonesome. So packed up my small room and my dad and I shoved everything in the back of my car. Said some of the hardest goodbyes I’d ever said in my life on May 24th. My family and I are all best friends so saying goodbye to all your best friends at once hits you like a freight train. May 25th; made the 18 hour drive from Colorado to California with my dad. So we got here that day around 9pm. Made it to my new humble abode which so happened to be a tiny room in my cousins house. A cousin who I haven’t seen in 9 years. Talk about awkward. Hey cousin here I am with my 15 boxes of stuff where can I set up shop? She heard I was moving back and offered me a spare room in her house, so I took her up on that offer. How could anyone turn down cheap rent in California? So my dad left after about 3 days of helping me get settled in and left me here to start the adulthood chapter of my life. Terrifying. So it’s now the first day of me being here in my new life all by myself. First thing in the morning, clogged toilet. I’m in the bathroom with a clogged toilet thinking where the hell is the plunger? So the second full sentence I’ve said to my cousin is “Hey uh do you have a plunger?” Not only that but she mainly speaks Spanish, which I do speak fluently but occasionally forget certain words. So imagine how awkward it is when the second sentence she hears from me is mumbling “Uh do you?” as I think of how to say the word plunger in Spanish. I’m just killer at first impressions. So great, turns out the plunger was in the bathroom hidden. Next thing I was asking myself was “How the heck does this plunger work?” Thanks for teaching me how to unclog a toilet high school. Later on that day I ended up taking myself to the beach and as I walked back to my car there it was. Yellow and flapping under my windshield wiper. My first parking ticket. Little tip to living in California, read the signs wherever you park! So that was the very start of living on my own away from home. There’s so much more thats happened and endless awkward encounters so if you’re interested in hearing more let me know. If you think I’m kidding, I literally have a list of the things that have happened to me in the notes on my phone. Things I’m sure anyone who isn’t me will find amusing although I do occasionally pull out my list to give me a good laugh to get me through the day. Always looking on the bright side.
To Be Continued... 
The in-between stage
I think the most annoying and tedious part when talking and getting to know someone, is the idea of not knowing if they’re permanent or temporary. This in-between confusing slow process. I never know how much to tell someone, not everyone deserves to know the ins and outs of your soul. At what point do you decide it’s okay to let someone in. I struggle with this because I know my soul is beautiful and I don’t want just anyone to see every aspect of me. And sometimes you never get out of the in-between stage and you realize it was all just a waste of time, but then again is anything really ever a waste of time if it teaches you something?
Basically I think I’m in the in-between stage and don’t know what to do with myself besides write my thoughts down.