Archives for category: anxiety

I think the most annoying and tedious part when talking and getting to know someone, is the idea of not knowing if they’re permanent or temporary. This in-between confusing slow process. I never know how much to tell someone, not everyone deserves to know the ins and outs of your soul. At what point do you decide it’s okay to let someone in. I struggle with this because I know my soul is beautiful and I don’t want just anyone to see every aspect of me. And sometimes  you never get out of the in-between stage and you realize it was all just a waste of time, but then again is anything really ever a waste of time if it teaches you something?

Basically I think I’m in the in-between stage and don’t know what to do with myself besides write my thoughts down.

You hurt me, unexpectedly, then all at once. Betrayal, disappoint, and liar all paint the perfect picture of your face in my head today. Why? I don’t understand, but maybe I’m not meant to and maybe you’re temporary. I hope not. I hate that I’d run in front of a train for you, but you’d merely watch it wreck me. The other day I thanked you for giving me some sense of a safe haven, turns out it wasn’t a safe haven at all, yet the opposite. Whatever my feelings or my thoughts are at the moment, I still continue to pray for you. & still continue to love your pretty soul, even if you don’t currently love mine…

I appreciate you, I appreciate you so much. I appreciate you seeing me unveil my true form, flaws and all. I appreciate you not questioning my breathing or my hands shaking. I appreciate your presence and your poetic words. I appreciate you for making me feel a sense of safety. And most of all I appreciate you  never changing the way you view me. Thank you. 

-@H…

Sitting there I feel you creeping up on me, just like old times. Slowly then all at once so fast, so fast I can’t even grasp my own breath. My head shoots straight into panic mode, where do I hide? Who do I tell? How do I make you stop? The jitters wont stop and soon the tears don’t either. Why are you back? I didn’t give you permission to haunt me again like this. This time will be different, it has to be. You won’t ruin this for me, you won’t take my breath, you won’t take my thoughts. I won’t let you. So I hop in the shower and you slow down, the jitters slow but I can still feel them and I can still feel you in my head. But soon, I will destroy you.

Anxiety.

They say autumn is the most poetic time of year, and I stand by it. The air, the trees ,the mood, it’s all so poetic every year. Except this year. There’s something different in the air, dark, unclear and muddy. Or maybe thats just my thoughts these days. Why can’t I see the leaves changing, why do they all look so black lately? Black is fine, for now. I imagine their color will slowly come back, I hope. But for now, black is fine. & for now I am fine.black_and_white_leaves_by_ladybird101-d329t8k